The Jokes Thread

[SubaruBrat]

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."

A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY **** my pants!"

[TripHamer]

Yeah, that joke is funny!

[SubaruBrat]

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

[Gordon Bennett]

I love jokes about Little Johnny.
------------------
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!
-----------------------------
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "'Cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now; If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking.
-----------------------------
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

[miner2049er]

Teacher is in class an asks Little Johnny "Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?"

Johnny says "Well it wasn't f****ng me!"

So the teacher phones his mum and says "I asked Little Johnny who knocked down the walls of Jericho and he said it wasn't f****ng him!"

Johnny's mum says "Well if he says it wasn't him, it wasn't f****ng him!"

Teacher takes Little Johnny home after school and says to Johnny's Dad "I asked Little Johnny who knocked down the walls of Jericho and he said it wasn't f****ng him, so I told his mum what he said, and his mum said that if Johnny says it wasn't him, it wasn't f****ng him!"

Johnny's dad says "Look love, how much is this f****ng wall going to cost!"

[SubaruBrat]

After 45 years on the job Fred is retiring. He and his wife, Alice, are looking forward to enjoying the fruits of all those years of hard work. Money is a little tight rigt now since they just bought a retirment home on the shores of a canal a little ways off the main river. Fred's first pension check arrives and they need to decide what to buy. Alice really needs a hearing aid, and Fred wants to buy a fishing boat so they can take advantage of living on the water. They talk it over and Alice tells Fred to go ahead and get the boat since he's the one that worked all those years to earn a pension and she can wait another month for her hearing aid.

Fred goes out and buys the new boat and the next morning he and Alice take it out for a cruise. They head up the canal and when they get to the main river they need to decide which way to go. Fred feeling pretty generous since Alice let him get his boat, so he asks her which way she wants to go, up or down. Alice looks at him kind of funny, says nothing, but strips, lays down in the bottom of the boat and spreads her legs. Fred thinks this is a bit odd, but not one to pass up such an opportunity, he drops his pants and climbs on top.

A few days later, Fred and Alice take the boat out. Fred, in an even better mood after their recent escapade again asks his wife which way, up or down. The same thing happens, Alice gets naked and they go at it like a couple of college kids from a small midwestern college.

For the rest of the month, every time they take the boat onto the river, the same thing happens. Finally, Fred's 2nd pension check arrives and they go out and get Alice her hearing aid. The next day they head out to the river and when they get to the junction Fred looks over to his wife, smiles and asks, "honey, which way, up or down?" to which Alice responds, "Up or down... UP OR DOWN!!! all this time I thought your were saying **** or drown!"

[JoeJet]

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So
he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear
Removers."

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up

there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not
let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage
in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[miner2049er]

Bear Remover

hahaha!

[Flare]

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So
he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear
Removers."

Hehe... great!

[frootloop]

"if the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

rofl!