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Online video game reviews are the most entitled whining since Mussolini complained that his medals were too heavy. Some people say user–generated content will spell the end of professional journalism, but most users can’t even spell the A button. There’s only one thing humans can be relied on to produce, as long as you feed them, and online commenters constantly squat out great steaming piles of it. The following reviews reveal far more about whining gamers than the games. And just like those gamers, they are hilarious.
5. The Fanboy
Game Reviewed: Halo (Xbox)
Fanboys happen when someone replaces their sense of self-worth with a brand name. They’re more obsessed with the success of a machine than people with pacemakers, because the pacemade use machines to get on with enjoying the rest of their lives, while fanboys do the exact opposite.
“A Customer” is on a one-man mission to destroy the Xbox, not realizing that Microsoft would do it for him in less than a decade. His chosen strategy is posting bad Amazon reviews of third-party games. That’s like trying to take down Darth Vader by making a blog post about black capes being uncool. You aren’t even noticed enough to be wrong.
The review exudes enough unjustified self–importance to make the Jersey Shore cast cringe, and they can’t even read it. He’s posting user review number #976 on a game which had already made more money than several countries, and expecting to be taken seriously. It’s a more desperate cry for human attention than the victim of a clown kidnapping. This is the sort of post you get when a mother buys their kid a console to take over from her placenta so she can get on with her life.
4. I KNOW (ABSOLUTELY) NOTHING BUT RAGE!
Game reviewed: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (PS3)
“Caraculiambro” announces that Uncharted 2 is the worst game he’s ever played, though his review reveals that it’s also probably the best, because it’s the first game he’s ever played unless you count his childhood sessions of “eat the lead paint”. Which is the only game he would ever be good at. He’s played fewer games than a Dodo with a Gizmodo. He’s genuinely shocked that an action hero has to take on a whole army by himself. He thinks a game where you have to do things, and can die, is unreasonably difficult. He expects the other characters on screen to take care of all the enemies for him, which means he might have confused video games with a new type of DVD.
He’s desperately confused about the fact you can’t see your character’s health, making him the first player in history for whom regenerating health is too hard. He’s the incarnation of the entitled internet idiot. He publicly announces that he can’t beat Very Easy mode and declares that it’s the game’s fault. Even though he knows that at least 700 people have no problems. Just like he blames the dents in his head on how stupid lampposts don’t know to get out of his way. Though that’s a bit unfair, as his skull is so dense inanimate objects can’t help but be gravitationally attracted to it.
This guy is so bad at plugging things in his wife is unsatisfied but their electric mattress is pregnant, and so ludicrously out of his depth he could be teleported twenty thousand leagues under the sea and would waste his last mouthful of air telling whales they’re breathing wrong. But the internet allows him to believe he’s the sole voice of reason.
3. Therapy Session
Game Reviewed: Dragon Age Origins (PC)
SJPP is where all the spare misogyny from the 50s went: his main complaint about the game is that his character can’t talk, but a woman is allowed to. She doesn’t even act grateful to be allowed to be near him!
It’s particularly tragic that he’s complaining about pretty much the only modern female character allowed to talk ungratefully. Even Samus Aran was only allowed to be tough as long as she kept quiet. As soon as she opened her mouth she was made to put a father–figure in it.
The only thing he liked is that “the sides of her breasts are actually pretty well exposed.” We love how he’s explaining it: he thinks someone wasn’t convinced she was showing her chest.
This is a man for whom videogames in general, and Morrigan’s outfit in particular, were not sexist enough. If you’re wondering how one man ends up so bitterly misogynist, the end of the review reveals that his childhood friends used to torment him by not telling him what Final Fantasy was about. This guy was bullied by Final Fantasy players in school and outwitted by the plot. Which is why he’s now so insecure he can be upset about fictional characters talking back to him. Despite that being the only time anything talks to him.
2. Simulated Intelligence
Game reviewed: Ninja Gaiden (360)
Ninja Gaiden is a game about slicing people in half until you run out (of the room, people, or an unexplained explosion).
It’s not a game that requires intelligent critique, which is good, because this guy doesn’t have any.
WARNING: Only attempt to read this review if you’re infected with alien brain parasites and want to poison their food.
The internet is full of pseudointellectuals who think that word means they’re smart because it’s long. They use more and bigger words than a Scrabble championship, and are even more boring to read. If you focus on their text long enough you can actually see thesaurus.com opening in another window. They think multiple syllables are an intellectual combo multiplier, despite needing autocorrect to finish a sentence like that.
Anyone who thinks you need a ten thousand words to review Ninja Gaiden 2 is insane. “You and ninjas kill each other, badass.” Done. That’s not even half a haiku, because that’s okay, because chopping things into smaller chunks is an even more elegant summary of the game.
1. Reviewing themselves instead of the game, and giving 0/10
Game Reviewed: Portal
Metacritic collects everyone with nothing better to do than review things which have already been reviewed. Presumably to keep them from breeding. Which is an optimistic fear, but when you read these reviews you realize we can’t take any chances.32 users gave Portal 0 out of 10. I don’t want to overstate the case, but if you don’t like Portal, you’re the one who failed the review.
A dozen of these zeroes were self–fulfilling prophecies of suck because they couldn’t get the game to work and assumed it was Valve’s fault. Understand: these people saw hundreds of other people awarding 10/10 before writing their own zero. Did they think everyone else were sheeple, awarding 10 points for hype despite the software not working? Yes, because anyone using the word “sheeple” feels so worthless they have to devalue the rest of the species to make themselves look good.
They’re able to use the internet well enough to post a review, but not enough to “download drivers” or “contact tech support.” They’d rather ineffectually whine about something than fix it or feel happiness. Which explains 99% of all online comments.
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